Mom Achievement Unlocked: 1st mother's day thoughts
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maybe it's because i got pregnant comparatively later in life than most others
(at 33, gave birth at 34), maybe it's because i'm an enneagram 9, maybe it's because i'm secure in who i am, or maybe it's because i saw other mom's self-critical failure mentality and didn't want that nor think it was necessary, but i have no interest in doing the "right" thing or feeling like if i don't "do this" i'm a mess or my child will be. not to say i don't have self-doubt and stress and want to do right by my child and spouse and family as a whole, but i believe those feelings can co-exist with figuring things out and having grace for myself. to me this isn't a pass/fail, win/lose scenario.
to be perfectly honest, early in my pregnancy i was reading articles on how to cope with change and one thing that really spoke to me was treat it like an experiment.
everything doesn't have to be figured out or predetermined, just take it day by day and see what works. to me this was a life-giving idea.
i remember in early days of motherhood (forgive me if i've already shared this: mom brain) my husband came home and i sadly said "i haven't done a single thing all day" and he lovingly said "you were being a mom all day". that reset how i looked at my days. i do what i can when i can because that's enough. my wise husband also said, i believe on our way home from the hospital "ok buddy, i guess they're letting you come home with us. let's go figure out how to be a family together". and isn't that what it is? just daily getting to know this NTH, getting to know more about ourselves, & how we all relate to each other. we will figure out how to do this together. there is such freedom and grace in that approach and honestly it's life giving. there's no way we are supposed to just know everything all at once.
so, if you need a reason to give yourself a break, to know it's all good, to know as long you can feel and show love that's what counts, let me share all the "mom rules" i've broken. you cannot shame me. and, in fact, i hereby free you to break some "mom rules" too.
~mom: in the early days when you're NTH is first home you are sleep-deprived, hormonal, don't know what day it is and probably haven't eaten decent food in a while. it is possible to forget you even have a kid. true story: i remember NTH would be sleeping silently in his little bassinet and i'd turn around, see him and go "oh right, you're here".
via GIPHY
RealTalk: sometimes i'd even be sad about 're discovering' his existence. you know what? that's ok. you're overwhelmed and your whole life has been invaded by a New Tiny Human. it sounds weird and harsh, but you don't know them yet, it's ok to feel weird about this baby invasion & even grieve your pre-baby life. it's a big change, you're allowed to take time to figure it all out. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
~laundry: i no longer exclusively wash NTH's clothes separately. life is too short for that nonsense. i use a scent free gentle detergent on all our laundry. if he's going to snuggle with me while i'm wearing clothes why can i not wash the clothes at the same time? we do enough laundry as it is. i hereby grant permission to just let it go
via GIPHY
~baths: i do not bath NTH every day. i don't bathe myself everyday so why would he? obviously if he's dirty i wash him, but a daily/nightly bath ritual is too much. i can't commit to that. i've got stuff to do and he's a baby with new, gentle skin that i don't want to dry it out. i hereby grant permission to just let it go.
via GIPHY
~change table: i do not have a change table or "proper" change pad. in his room i have a set of sheets folded inside the pillow case with a waterproof changing cloth laying over top of it. diy & cheap, that's me. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~outfits A: if NTH hasn't spit up or put other bodily functions on clothing or pjs i consider it clean. i re-wear my jeans multiple times times, so can he. see laundry above, we do enough already, i hereby grant permission to just let it go.
~outfits B: we bought NTH a total of 2 onesies in his entire life until he was 5 months old. then, i went to the 2nd hand baby store and got him some pjs and a sweater. that's it. his entire wardrobe is hand-me-downs from friends and gifts. he's a baby, he doesn't care. and there's some darn cute, barely (sometimes never) worn outfits. need to save money? i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~breastfeeding: this is a biggie.
via GIPHY
RealTalk: i hated breastfeeding. my milk never really came in well even though i pumped and took a prescription medication to help increase supply. i used to breastfeed 40 minutes on each side and then still give him a formula bottle to top him up. Then I tried exclusively pumping, 40 minutes each side and not enough to file a botte. my goal was to try and breastfeed for at least 6 months, both for health and for my bank account. RealTalk: formula is expensive. but, somewhere in the 4th month i called it quits & went to 100% formula. is he getting fed? yes. is he loved? yes. is he happy and healthy? yes. am i happier? yes. WIN WIN. if you can't/don't want to breastfeed it's ok. if you love breastfeeding and think i'm an awful person with an underdeveloped soul that's ok too. but, if you're beating yourself up or feeling defective because breastfeeding (one woman actually used the term "feeding the way God intended" to me...like, that's a whole other rant. what if i adopted? what if i'd had a mastectomy? what if i was required to take medications that made it unsafe to breastfeed? just, no. sigh. end rant), back to what i was saying, if you're feeling defective or defeated i hereby grant permission to let it go.
*bonus confession: i also looked at my phone. peeps, it's boring; i wanted my phone. their little eyes are closed 90% of the time anyway. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
~sleeping: my 6th month old sleeps in a swing. he was in the bassinet until we finally finished his room at 5 months (!) and he won't sleep in the crib. he's struggled with acid reflux and we had the bassinet mattress propped up in such a way it worked. we have yet to find the magic fix for the crib however, so swing it is. some nights he sleeps five hours in a row, some nights 8 or 9. it works. are you losing your mind because you co-sleep and think you shouldn't? or, are you not co-sleeping and think you should? does your baby refuse to sleep in a crib? is he/she sleeping in his bouncy chair or car seat? do what works for you; i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~toys: NTH was born in November so he had his first Christmas at a month old. what do you buy for a one month old at Christmas? Hot Take: nothing. ok, i bought him a cute sock monkey at a craft fair that i put in his stocking which i made out of curtains that a friend gave me. i kid you not. i personally believe kids don't need extravagant toys to have fun, and our family and friends provide him with lots anyway. i don't need to buy him stuff to be a good parent. so we keep it simple: for Easter i made him a little felt carrot garden in a shoebox and bought bunny ears from the dollar store. it was adorable and we took fun photos. you get to decide what you buy and if you feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones' and make sure your kid has every new fangled thing i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~soothers: NTH uses 'em. i never had strong feelings about soother/pacifier use to be honest. if they fall on the floor at home i just visually inspect before popping it back in his mouth. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~sterilizing bottles: after every use? heck no. the first time i used them? yes. that's it. disclaimer: i am fortunate enough to have amazing well water. if you need to sterilize to keep things safe that's a whole different story, so aside from that, i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
that's all i can think of for now. i've probably got more infractions, but honestly, whatevs.
the big thing is, if it works and is helpful/hopeful/life-giving, do it. if it isn't, evaluate it. "do i NEED to do this or do i just think i need to? what kind of parent do i want to be? does this_____ help that goal or hinder it? am i doing _____ out of fear or out of love?"
i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
Happy Mother's Day
via GIPHY
via GIPHY
maybe it's because i got pregnant comparatively later in life than most others
(at 33, gave birth at 34), maybe it's because i'm an enneagram 9, maybe it's because i'm secure in who i am, or maybe it's because i saw other mom's self-critical failure mentality and didn't want that nor think it was necessary, but i have no interest in doing the "right" thing or feeling like if i don't "do this" i'm a mess or my child will be. not to say i don't have self-doubt and stress and want to do right by my child and spouse and family as a whole, but i believe those feelings can co-exist with figuring things out and having grace for myself. to me this isn't a pass/fail, win/lose scenario.
to be perfectly honest, early in my pregnancy i was reading articles on how to cope with change and one thing that really spoke to me was treat it like an experiment.
everything doesn't have to be figured out or predetermined, just take it day by day and see what works. to me this was a life-giving idea.
i remember in early days of motherhood (forgive me if i've already shared this: mom brain) my husband came home and i sadly said "i haven't done a single thing all day" and he lovingly said "you were being a mom all day". that reset how i looked at my days. i do what i can when i can because that's enough. my wise husband also said, i believe on our way home from the hospital "ok buddy, i guess they're letting you come home with us. let's go figure out how to be a family together". and isn't that what it is? just daily getting to know this NTH, getting to know more about ourselves, & how we all relate to each other. we will figure out how to do this together. there is such freedom and grace in that approach and honestly it's life giving. there's no way we are supposed to just know everything all at once.
so, if you need a reason to give yourself a break, to know it's all good, to know as long you can feel and show love that's what counts, let me share all the "mom rules" i've broken. you cannot shame me. and, in fact, i hereby free you to break some "mom rules" too.
~mom: in the early days when you're NTH is first home you are sleep-deprived, hormonal, don't know what day it is and probably haven't eaten decent food in a while. it is possible to forget you even have a kid. true story: i remember NTH would be sleeping silently in his little bassinet and i'd turn around, see him and go "oh right, you're here".
via GIPHY
RealTalk: sometimes i'd even be sad about 're discovering' his existence. you know what? that's ok. you're overwhelmed and your whole life has been invaded by a New Tiny Human. it sounds weird and harsh, but you don't know them yet, it's ok to feel weird about this baby invasion & even grieve your pre-baby life. it's a big change, you're allowed to take time to figure it all out. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
~laundry: i no longer exclusively wash NTH's clothes separately. life is too short for that nonsense. i use a scent free gentle detergent on all our laundry. if he's going to snuggle with me while i'm wearing clothes why can i not wash the clothes at the same time? we do enough laundry as it is. i hereby grant permission to just let it go
via GIPHY
~baths: i do not bath NTH every day. i don't bathe myself everyday so why would he? obviously if he's dirty i wash him, but a daily/nightly bath ritual is too much. i can't commit to that. i've got stuff to do and he's a baby with new, gentle skin that i don't want to dry it out. i hereby grant permission to just let it go.
via GIPHY
~change table: i do not have a change table or "proper" change pad. in his room i have a set of sheets folded inside the pillow case with a waterproof changing cloth laying over top of it. diy & cheap, that's me. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~outfits A: if NTH hasn't spit up or put other bodily functions on clothing or pjs i consider it clean. i re-wear my jeans multiple times times, so can he. see laundry above, we do enough already, i hereby grant permission to just let it go.
~outfits B: we bought NTH a total of 2 onesies in his entire life until he was 5 months old. then, i went to the 2nd hand baby store and got him some pjs and a sweater. that's it. his entire wardrobe is hand-me-downs from friends and gifts. he's a baby, he doesn't care. and there's some darn cute, barely (sometimes never) worn outfits. need to save money? i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~breastfeeding: this is a biggie.
via GIPHY
RealTalk: i hated breastfeeding. my milk never really came in well even though i pumped and took a prescription medication to help increase supply. i used to breastfeed 40 minutes on each side and then still give him a formula bottle to top him up. Then I tried exclusively pumping, 40 minutes each side and not enough to file a botte. my goal was to try and breastfeed for at least 6 months, both for health and for my bank account. RealTalk: formula is expensive. but, somewhere in the 4th month i called it quits & went to 100% formula. is he getting fed? yes. is he loved? yes. is he happy and healthy? yes. am i happier? yes. WIN WIN. if you can't/don't want to breastfeed it's ok. if you love breastfeeding and think i'm an awful person with an underdeveloped soul that's ok too. but, if you're beating yourself up or feeling defective because breastfeeding (one woman actually used the term "feeding the way God intended" to me...like, that's a whole other rant. what if i adopted? what if i'd had a mastectomy? what if i was required to take medications that made it unsafe to breastfeed? just, no. sigh. end rant), back to what i was saying, if you're feeling defective or defeated i hereby grant permission to let it go.
*bonus confession: i also looked at my phone. peeps, it's boring; i wanted my phone. their little eyes are closed 90% of the time anyway. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
~sleeping: my 6th month old sleeps in a swing. he was in the bassinet until we finally finished his room at 5 months (!) and he won't sleep in the crib. he's struggled with acid reflux and we had the bassinet mattress propped up in such a way it worked. we have yet to find the magic fix for the crib however, so swing it is. some nights he sleeps five hours in a row, some nights 8 or 9. it works. are you losing your mind because you co-sleep and think you shouldn't? or, are you not co-sleeping and think you should? does your baby refuse to sleep in a crib? is he/she sleeping in his bouncy chair or car seat? do what works for you; i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~toys: NTH was born in November so he had his first Christmas at a month old. what do you buy for a one month old at Christmas? Hot Take: nothing. ok, i bought him a cute sock monkey at a craft fair that i put in his stocking which i made out of curtains that a friend gave me. i kid you not. i personally believe kids don't need extravagant toys to have fun, and our family and friends provide him with lots anyway. i don't need to buy him stuff to be a good parent. so we keep it simple: for Easter i made him a little felt carrot garden in a shoebox and bought bunny ears from the dollar store. it was adorable and we took fun photos. you get to decide what you buy and if you feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones' and make sure your kid has every new fangled thing i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~soothers: NTH uses 'em. i never had strong feelings about soother/pacifier use to be honest. if they fall on the floor at home i just visually inspect before popping it back in his mouth. i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
~sterilizing bottles: after every use? heck no. the first time i used them? yes. that's it. disclaimer: i am fortunate enough to have amazing well water. if you need to sterilize to keep things safe that's a whole different story, so aside from that, i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
that's all i can think of for now. i've probably got more infractions, but honestly, whatevs.
the big thing is, if it works and is helpful/hopeful/life-giving, do it. if it isn't, evaluate it. "do i NEED to do this or do i just think i need to? what kind of parent do i want to be? does this_____ help that goal or hinder it? am i doing _____ out of fear or out of love?"
i hereby grant permission to let it go.
via GIPHY
Happy Mother's Day
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